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Square
Pegs and Round Holes
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Adolescents are adolescents are adolescents. George W. Bush was one, as was Plato, Einstein, Attila the Hun, Marie Antoinette, Ghandi and every other adult to ever walk the earth. Even animals struggle with adolescents, trying to leave the den too early, trying to hunt on their own, leaving the safety of the pack. You'd think that after so many thousands of years, after countless generations and so many billions of teens passing through, we'd be used to process by now.
America leads the world in adolescent dysfunction, yet I've learned
that the great majority of the time teens have very good reasons for
why and how they act. It may not be appropriate, but it does make sense.
Besides the continuing breakdown of the American family unit, which
helped create the need for foster and kinship care in the first place,
modern teens are struggling with shifting societal values, the loss
of initiations, the longest adolescence in history, and the least actual
teen responsibility on the planet.
For almost 15 years I have been working with at-risk and high-risk teens,
although if you follow teen statistics you've probably come to join
me in thinking every teen in America is at risk nowadays. Many teen
models and/or programs continue to try and break the spirit of adolescence,
trying to get those "square peg" kids we're too familiar with
into the System's "round hole" mentality.
Countless youth I've known have tried to explain how they just don't
fit the one and only model open to them. The most damaging aspect of
this trend has been in the shame, blame, guilt and judgement they inherit
with all that 'failure.' The success I enjoy with bad boys and girls
comes from a simple philosophy. Each youth is an individual, not a number,
a DSM diagnosis, or a case file. If the program doesn't fit the youth,
then I try desperately to make the program fit the youth. If the square
peg doesn't fit into the round hole, change the shape of the hole!!
Many people have called me 'enabling' for working with the kids rather
than making them always fit my adult needs. Nothing could be further
from the truth. A thousand boys will tell you about my boundaries and
expectations. My finesse comes from not forcing the adolescent to fight
me, from giving him or her another way to look at success. The adolescent
spirit cannot and should not be squelched. Adolescence is about growth,
about change, and we adults and parents should be using every resource
we have to help youth succeed, not just keep proving how bad they are.
What does this get you? Respect! And if a teen respects you, then you've
both got a chance to succeed. When he or she sees you taking grief from
the System for them, they'll match that energy back. Do you really want
your teen to succeed, or just follow orders? Should adolescence be difficult
out of principle, or as smooth a path as we can make for them? If you
keep running into the adolescent 'brick wall,' perhaps its time to try
a new path with a different shape. Good luck….
© Bret Stephenson 2003
Originally published in the California State Foster Parent Association Newsletter
Last Updated April 12, 2003